oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
