Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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