I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
