He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
