I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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