That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
