sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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