nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So here I am, sexting at work.
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