Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
