so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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