Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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