thus making me awesome and them whores
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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