Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
