Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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