I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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