Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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