I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
