i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Come on in and take your pants off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
