I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
