Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
