Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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