this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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