it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
