I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
