Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
