1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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