party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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