Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
