i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
