Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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