when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
