OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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