I just cut my nipple shaving
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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