He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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