I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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