May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
