I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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