so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
