I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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