Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
