You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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