I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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