Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
