Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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