you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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