oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
