the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
