Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
