[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
