is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
