your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
