well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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