Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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