He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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