Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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