Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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