My room smells like vodka and shame
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
