Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
