I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
